Toxic Friendships

The clues are scarce, constantly. Or you believe so. Always dismissing or excusing their behavior, feeling powerless to confront them. We place so much importance on having healthy romantic relationships, yet friendships go unnoticed. We never truly feel we should demand the same level of respect, yet that can be vital to our happiness and overall health. Having a positive platonic social connection is one of the most important aspects of being human. Social connections “influence our long-term health in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking” (Harvard Health). The importance of a healthy social life is apparent, yet how do we maintain it? How do we realize when we find ourselves in toxic friendships? The clues may be stealthier than we think and leaving such friendships, though logical,can be incredibly difficult.

I felt trapped. Feelings of resentment boiled over. Never knowing what I did wrong.

There have been numerous times when this exact feeling took over. Knowing that maybe months, or years of friendship had hurt me more than helped me. I never knew why I allowed myself to forgive so easily, to condone certain behavior. Never knowing that a friendship had grown toxic before I had come to realize it.

Friendships and our social lives are incredibly important for our overall health and wellbeing. As social creatures, human connection is vital for us to live happily and fulfilled. Learning to navigate society and form those connections starts incredibly early on in life. Perfecting the type of friendships we cultivate is never an exact science. According to Harvard Health social connections “influence our long-term health in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking” (Harvard Health). Yet how do we maintain friendships that will benefit us? And how do we know when they shouldn’t be maintained? Understanding others is incredibly difficult, but what we can do is understand how others affect us, and the repercussions of accepting destructive behavior.

Throughout my life I have experienced my fair share of toxic friendships. Encounters that have changed the way I approach friendship as a whole, but also how I approach my own self confidence. Toxic friendships can be incredibly destructive for one’s overall mental health and self worth, as it cuts much deeper than other negative encounters such as bullying. Bullying and toxic friendships overlap in many ways, but the difference in some instances is that those people who end up hurting us, were our friends. We confided in them, spent many days with them, shared memories together. The closeness of such a relationship leaves us open and vulnerable for destructive behavior that can impact us for many years to come. Yet, we shouldn’t fear cultivating friendships or becoming close to others, we should learn to understand when keeping a person in our lives has become unhealthy.

So what is the definition of a toxic friend or person in general? Answering such a question can be incredibly difficult, as the way toxic people impact us is totally subjective. Yet a common trend throughout all toxic friendships would be the degradation of our self confidence. This person learns who we are and what we respond to. They learn what impacts us and what won’t, customizing their approach to our own insecurities, keeping us vulnerable and oftentimes hopeless. Their core aspect is manipulation, even if in the beginning it doesn’t seem so. But approach friendships with enthusiasm, until you find these signs popping up.

They make sly comments

Words can hurt, more than we admit. The erosion of our self confidence can begin this way, small comments that wedge themselves deep within us. They seem too small to react to, yet they can be incredibly condescending in nature.

“He would constantly call me ugly, then say it was a lie and he was only joking” A friend of mine revealed, “it didn’t take away how self conscious it made me feel.” Words such as these can affect us deeply, and if they persist for long periods of time, can deeply scar our self confidence.

Whether they target your physical appearance, your grades or even your personality they all have the same objective: to make you believe you are not good enough.

Your feelings take a back seat

Many times toxic friendships make us feel invisible or unimportant. The friendship surrounds this other person, elevating them and pushing us down. We are meant to comfort them yet never receive anything in return. You try and confide in them, reveal to them whether we feel frustrated or angry, yet our emotions are pushed to the side. They make us feel like we are talking to walls, our words never being acknowledged. Then the toxic friend will introduce their grievances, usually going on for hours about how they feel, completely ignoring our own previous statements.

Your own achievements are not acknowledged

This can be one of the most hurtful things a toxic friend can do. Friends are our support system, the people who cheer us on when we accomplish things in our lives. The complete dismissal of our achievements can leave a very deep impression on us, making us feel like we aren’t good enough, second guessing whether we should strive to accomplish other things in the future. I know this feeling all too well, the disappointment and insecurity that comes with having your accomplishments dismissed or dragged down. This friend would always cut me off when I spoke of a good grade I had gotten or an award I received. Wanting to silence what I was proud of. Words like these can stay with us, following us when we garner other achievements and making us drag down our own work. Actions like these can be particularly insidious, as they target our professional and academic lives.

They talk behind your back

Throughout the array of toxic behavior, this is one of the tell tale signs that the person who you have called a friend may not be so in the near future. This can be incredibly hurtful, as it affects your outer circle. What they spread can range from fabricated rumors, to incredibly personal information you had confided in them. It can feel like a betrayal, both of trust and respect. Whether it be jealousy or spite that motivates the toxic friend, it can ruin your public image, piercing your self confidence even more. You should never feel like you need to tolerate or condone such behavior, as its destructive nature can seriously impact the relationship you have with other friends and peers.

You are regularly excluded

For human beings, being excluded can be very damaging, where “being the target of social exclusion has been shown to be psychologically distressing leading to increased anxiety, depression, frustration, and loneliness” according to a paper written by Kaitlin R. Dunn from Illinois Wesleyan University. Many times, exclusion of others is common behavior by toxic individuals, and is another form of alienating you and inflicting damage on your self esteem. It can be your removal from the lunch table, or never getting invited to parties.

“Sometimes they would move away to another table, so no one would know where I was sitting because they didn’t want me [...] but I still considered them my friends,” said a friend of mine regarding her experiences being excluded and bullied by toxic people at her school.

They never apologize

The hurtful nature of a toxic friendship is that everything they do appears to be justified in their own eyes. Many don’t even realize that what they have done is wrong, while others may have too much pride to admit it. This dismisses our own pain, making it seem insignificant and unimportant, not even acknowledged by the other person. Having a person in your life that lacks accountability, especially when it’s hurting you, should not be excused.

Friendships play a significant role in the development of our own identities during our teenage years. They lay the groundwork for our relationships as adults, so understanding the impact unhealthy relationships have in our lives now, will improve our mental health moving forward. Yet is “cutting someone out” the best option? To many, this may seem harsh, even unimaginable to do. Yet cutting ties with those who negatively impact us can be incredibly beneficial. “There's this myth that friendships should last a lifetime,'' said Dr. Yager, a sociologist at the University of Connecticut at Stamford who was interviewed by the New York times ''But sometimes it's better that they end.''

Feeling fear when it comes to breaking off toxic friendships is completely normal, and it may take weeks or even months to fully free ourselves. Rachel Maston, a student who spoke to the New York times about losing friendships said, “leaving her took some time, and only after I had left her, I realized how badly she really did treat me. I have healed a lot since then, and I have been able to realize my self worth and I know how people should treat me,”

Toxic friendships can make us feel vulnerable and trapped. We believe that we are powerless compared to the other person. Many emotions such as resentment and anger coil together creating a very difficult situation. Yet letting go of those toxic people can feel liberating. “Losing this person made me feel lonely but at the same time, more free,” said Naomi Northwest, another student, to the New York Times.

Never allow others to take advantage of you or destroy your self worth. Your happiness and well being comes before the need to accommodate others. Never feel that pulling away or setting boundaries is rude in any way. Learning to navigate our social lives is an ever-changing process that shifts and turns and may end up in the wrong place. Yet never blame yourself for becoming entangled with toxicity. Those that hurt us end up giving us more strength when we walk away.

Name: Sarah Abdellatif-Chaves

Editor: Nathalia Ramkissoon

Graphic Designer: Tiffany Tran