Exclusion

Friendships are never easy, but they are the family we choose to walk our lives with. We often attract others who reflect what we desire in someone else, maybe freedom or confidence. Sometimes we attract people who need help because we are the ones who are struggling but won’t admit to it so we choose to help others and call it a friendship. However, we also end up in situations with our so-called “friends” where we are not included. Whether this is a hangout, a party, or even a group chat, it still hurts knowing the people we trust and platonically love don't include us. A lot of the time, we don't know why. This leaves us feeling hurt and questioning if we really do have any friends at all. However, losing friends can help us find true friends and learn lessons that we remember for the rest of our life.

Personal Experience

Flashback to third grade, I had a culture shift because of relocating from Portland, Oregon to Malibu, California. Although many people think the two cities aren't very different, I speak from experience that both places have entirely different energies and people. That being said, I often found myself comparing what I looked like to other kids at school in California, which was not something I did back in Oregon. For some reason, the values of a friend changed from kindness to what someone possesses. Specifically, I recall one of my hardest times: middle school. Going to middle school in The Valley, there was a surplus of girls who were blonde, and I was not, but rather brown hair with hazel eyes. Obviously I did not fit the criteria to hang out with the blonde groups. In seventh grade, I had a blonde best friend for about a year and a half, and when we saw a few new girls enter our grade, we decided to befriend them. Slowly I could feel my best friend become friendlier with the other girls and leave me for them when it came to hanging out or eating lunch. When the group expanded to about seven of us, all of which were blonde, I saw there were no more seats for me. I asked if I could sit down, and my best friend said, “You’re not pretty enough to sit with us.” Not knowing if it was a joke or not, I put my lunch in my locker and headed to the library without eating. Little did I know back then, but I would forever be left out from anything involving her or my old friends. Simply because I was brunette and had friends who were guys. For years I harbored resentment for her and what she did. She made me have low self-esteem for something I couldn't control. I felt excluded, betrayed, and alone.

Learning From The Experience

Everyone handles situations differently. I learned what did and did not work for me when it came to not only this situation, but others as well. There are lessons in life that are hard to grasp or even follow through with, but at the end of the day, taking a higher route served me better than a vengeful one. I moved away from our friendship and went to a new group. They are still my friends to this day, but all of them are guys. But that’s okay. I realized surrounding myself with people who support me was better for me than trying to fit in a mold that wasn't who I am. Back in middle school, I desperately wanted to confront her so she could get in trouble for excluding me. I never did any of those things, and I am glad I didn't. If I did, it would have blown the situation out of proportion and probably leave me more upset than before. Thankfully, I silently removed myself from her life and let her be with the new group of friends. I found a guy group to hang out with, and they did not exclude me. In middle school, hanging out with guys can make your reputation look bad, but honestly, I didn’t care because they were like family to me, and most importantly, treated me right. When they eventually asked me why I stopped hanging around my ex-best friend and I told them, they understood and told me that she had bad intentions whenever she talked to them. Essentially, she was trying to get them to like her, but they saw through her. I felt relieved I wasn't the only one to see through her. Had I not silently moved on, the situation could have turned out way worse and leave me alone for the rest of middle school. The high road was the way to go.

What Teens Should Do

While each situation has its own set of circumstances, there is common ground when dealing with exclusion. Sure confrontation or telling an adult can get something done, but do you really want to involve yourself with someone who views you as an option? Friends are meant to help and make the hard times better, not become the hard times. As I can only speak from experience, there has never been a time when confrontation or making a scene has helped my situation. Sometimes your absence makes people realize what they threw away. Therefore, if you are put into a situation where friends are excluding you, maybe just shoot a text and ask why you weren’t invited, and if they lie then keep that in mind but move forward without seeking vengeance. It can even be possible that it wasn’t your friend’s idea to not invite you, so I wouldn't take it too personally if it was out of their control. Real friends will always tell you the truth or apologize, and if not, then they weren't a good friend in the first place. Overreacting to the issue won't make it better, no matter how much you think your voice “needs” to be heard. A lot of the time you can't control if you are the villain in someone else's story, just stick to your truth. However, there is a fine line when knowing your truth and self-reflection to analyze the situation to see if there is anything you have done to cause the action of exclusion from others. Sometimes we may do something without realizing how it might affect others, so it is important to recognize if our actions have caused a negative reaction before we jump to the conclusion someone has hurt us through exclusion.

Moving Forward

Growing up will never be easy because we have lessons we need to learn that can be out of our control. But knowing it is out of our control can help us realize that the one thing we can control is our perspective. Opening ourselves to advice or different perspectives can build our empathy and help us mature. Realizing that how we think and feel or what we say reflects back to us is one of the most important lessons I learned when dealing with friends. In some ways, the people we attract are what we feel subconsciously and the traits we can't stand in someone else is a mask of our insecurities about ourselves. When we learn to accept these ideas and truly listen to the fact, “What you think is what you attract,” we are going to be able to become better people and observe others and their actions maybe aren't as harmful as we think. People do things because it reflects how they feel inside, so that doesn't mean everything is meant to hurt us. Learn from the pain and observe the experiences. You are more than the thoughts, you are the observer of them.

Name: Bella Pivo

Editor: Meghana Nakkanti

Graphic Designer: Isabelle Thym

Photographer: India Jones