Dealing with Growing Up

It seems that there are so many times I pause and find that weeks, months, and even years have just passed me by. Forgetting that there’s nowhere to go but forward, until moments you lived through become simply memories. For many of us, the relationship we have with this dynamic force that seems to push us in unknown directions is quite a turbulent one. We romanticize our youth, long to stay in these moments forever, and hope that we live in stagnant bliss where the looming fear of adulthood can never touch us. There is real fear found when we stand before bridges that connect two chapters of our lives and are expected to let go without looking back. Childhood and adolescence hold an iron grip on our lives, and many people never want to leave. Through life as young people there begins to be a fundamental disconnect with the idea of impermanence, with even adults grappling with the truth of an ever-changing reality.

The honest truth behind this tricky stage to navigate is that many grow old, yet never grow up. We follow a physical trajectory of aging until we find our days numbered and, eventually, gone. There is nothing we can do to change the physicality of maturing, yet to ease this fear of growth we can learn to become more aware of ourselves, others, and our reality. There is an understandable fear that surrounds adulthood with its tasks of doing taxes, paying rent and mortgages, accumulating debt, and holding a job, while still being simultaneously expected to seek meaning in our lives. A video by the School of Life called “How to Keep Growing Up” discusses the complexity behind adulthood. In the 20th century, beginning with the work of Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget, a child’s growth was meticulously observed, and “every principle stage an average infant might go through on the developmental journey of its earliest years” was identified. This shows that many of our achievements when we were young surrounded liberating activities like riding a bike, or learning to socialize with others. We were praised for small actions and our shortcomings never defined our character since we were still learning to relate to the world. Yet as we grow older, we begin to be judged by the grades we receive, the internships and extracurricular's we participate in, and then, later on, the university we are accepted into and the job we may have. As time goes on, growing up becomes “synonymous with getting ahead.” This creates understandable anxiety surrounding adulthood, as childhood was a time when we were told to be adventurous and make mistakes, look at the world with wonder and ask as many questions as we liked. This wonder and excitement for life are taken from so many of us, as we are told to conform to a rigid society.

What many young people find is that in the mess of trying to understand external factors, they begin to lose touch with their internal locus of control. This stage strips away a needed search for identity and purpose, which leaves many adults well into life still grappling with the face they see in the mirror. As transitions loom in the future, it’s important to understand the inevitability of hardship, loss, and failure, as well as knowing that growth never ends, as we are constantly shifting and learning to understand the world around us. The fear of adulthood cannot be eased in any fundamental way, yet to develop emotionally there are several pieces that one must begin to understand.

1. Learn to Accept Failure

No human being is perfect and as adolescents, we begin to develop an aversion to failure. It strikes our self-confidence, and schools around the world hold responsibility in instilling this need to constantly have success. Yet infants could never learn to walk without falling, and failure is so fundamental to human life. Some of the most successful people have failed more than anyone else, and growth is characterized by finding a way to analyze your mistakes and learn from them.

2. Learn to Adapt Through a Range of Strategies

Through life, we become so comfortable with habits and patterned ways of doing things that we generally try applying old methods to new realities. This can cause frustration and hopelessness when confronted with difficult situations. While growing into adulthood we must understand that the way we conducted ourselves in the past or tackled issues before may not function now. We must learn to approach work, our social lives, and our romantic lives with an open mind.

3. Learn to Empathize with Yourself

Life is a difficult path to walk through, and many times we push ourselves down or judge ourselves too harshly for not being who we want to be, or for not achieving all we wanted to do. Know that you will never have anything figured out completely and that mistakes are normal. Empathize with yourself and be kind to yourself when you are in difficult situations or even when you’re not.

4. Understand the Importance of Introspection

Introspection is not widely valued in our culture, and many times we neglect to try and understand or analyze our own thoughts and feelings in order to better ourselves. This is an essential part of growing up, as it allows us to mature and grow as individuals. Growing up is not just about having responsibility, but also about trying to form a solid identity. Spend time on your own, and learn to distance yourself from social settings if needed. You should never be truly dependent on others for your happiness, and asking yourself difficult questions about what you want to do and where you want to go may be difficult, but essential, as many drown their thoughts with noise until years later they realize they never figured themselves out.

5. Recognize the Importance of Adaptability

An important part of adulthood is knowing that the world is constantly changing, and many things, if not most, will not go your way. It's important to be flexible and adapt to the many situations that will arise in your life. Charles Darwin once said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, it is the one that is most adaptable to change” (Goodwin College). Let go of old thought processes, and learn to alter the way you think to fit new environments.

6. Examine Your Own Mistakes and Let Go of Pride

Pride can be one of the most harmful things a person can hold on to, as it stunts personal growth and hinders a person's ability to be introspective, adaptable and kind. As adolescents our go-to phrase is always “I know,” and many times we never stop to listen and examine why we might not know in that moment. Some adults let go of this prideful answer, but many never learn to, and this creates a perfect environment for ignorance and insecurity. When you feel you want to answer with “I know” while someone is correcting you, pause and analyze the situation. More often than not, we know nothing.

7. Know When You Need Consolation and Assistance

Many times we feel that to become an adult means that we have to learn to manage on our own, and be independent in as many ways as we can. Though independence is essential and important to grow and live on your own, no person can ever be expected to never need assistance. You may feel it is weak to ask for help, but really it is one of the most important things to master. In the United States and many western countries, an individualistic society is valued, while community comes second. Yet it is essential to let go of pride and know when you need a person to comfort you, or point you in the right direction.

8. Hold Yourself and Those Around You Accountable

Never be too lenient on yourself, and know when you have done something wrong or when someone else has done the same. Forgiving our friends and family very easily in an effort to fit in and be accepted by others may feel easiest, but we should be aware enough to pinpoint behaviors in ourselves and others that can be destructive and unproductive. Once you begin to hold yourself accountable for your own actions, we can start to see more clearly the actions of others. This is why introspection is so valuable and essential for learning to manage the world around you.

9. Know That the Way You View Reality and Complexity Will Continue to Change

This is one of the most essential things to understand. People are not rigid in any way, shape, or form. We move and adapt to our circumstances and are changed by experiences. Never think that you have to stay in one mindset for a long period of time, or that you should hold on to notions of what may have identified you before. Your goals and aspirations may change as well, so don’t be afraid to take unconventional roads. For example, one day you may think your career path is medicine, but then find you have more affinity for another field. Don’t think you need to know yourself right away, or plan your life completely. Moving through life rigidly can never lead to true happiness and comfort.

Growing into adulthood does not just consist of accepting varied responsibilities that differ from what we experienced before, it’s also the art of understanding the self and what maturity truly means in your own subjective reality. It’s becoming aware of the complexity that surrounds you and understanding that perfection can never be achieved. It’s knowing you will never know enough, and that the world you live in is filled with people who are just as afraid and confused as you are and who are all trying to find their way.

Name: Sarah Abdellatif-Chaves

Editor: Katelyn Clark

Graphic Designer: Lisa Li-Liang

Photographer: Leighton Gammage